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Today, I turned 16.

And I’m having a sleepless night.

It hasn’t quite yet I suppose that I’m one more year away from truly having to decide where I want my life to go.

‘I’m just like a bird. Don’t know where my soul is, don’t know where my home is.’

I truly feel like if I go to New York, I’ll find something that could help me branch out.

But, I’m sort of scared. Scared of leaving a place where I could also find something too.

Turning sixteen made me make a quiet promise to look at things differently, start taking risks and realize where my heart is.

Maybe that’s why I didn’t want the whole show. The party, the guests, the reminder.

I’m not ready. I’m never ready.

I’ll take in a gulp of this new air and begin to do as much as I can before I run out of breath but, it never feels like enough time to begin.

Am I willing to always play it safe to where I will never find out what I have the potential of achieving?

The birthday was good, it was great, family makes it alright. My mother makes it comforting.

I’m sixteen.

I’m sixteen.

I’m fifteen.

I’m ten.

I’m seven.

I’m five.

I’m three.

I’m happy.

Even if I don’t remember much. Are there birthday fears? Is there such thing?

I made this little promise to start a change, that will help me grow. I want to grow.

I want to flourish and accomplish.

No more letting my life pass me by. Because, that’s what I feel it has always been.

I don’t want to turn around when I’m halfway through the journey because I’m scared.

I don’t want to always think about my age because I can’t stop it.

I want to grow.

I want to be where everyone is. I want to up there, up there in the glory where there is never ending shines of light that bring security.

I want to know that I could belong there.

I just have to find the opportunities. No more waiting for my fear to catch up with me.

Glee ends this Tuesday, I’ll miss it. It’s one of those things that’s kept me going. I’m really going to miss it.

I’ll miss everything from 15 and back.

I know what I want to do. From there, it’s just DOING what I desire. The big step. 

There’s been quite a lot of searching.

Fearing my own self

Consumed by my own worries

Desperate on the search for bravey

What’s wrong? 

Reminders:

Take head out of the smog that has been preventing any work ethic and persuit of a sense of achievement. Find self motivation. Very important.

Leave what is in the summer, in the future, in the future, and up to the summer. 

That includes summer classes (speech), driving school, piano time, flute time, and summer assignments. 

Ahhhhh, I have exactly 30 followers! BIG achievement! haha. Anywho, please please please follow me if you like my blog, if not, tell what you don’t like about it. It’s kind of a mix between funny gifs, gifs in general, gifs about glee and harry styles, and some sappy stories and questioning conversations here and there. HOPEFULLY, there will be a fan fiction in the works soon about kurt and blaine cause I’ve seen all you lovely people doing it and it’s amazing so I’d like to take a whack at it and see how it goes. Maybe post some videos? Stories?  Photos taken by me? Hmmm… Anywho, tell your friends, family, pets, and any other living creature to come and follow me :D

There are moments when I hesitate and begin to contemplate on what my dreams are. For a while now, there have been many expectations, many paths and desires that lead on to different corners of this earth. But when are you really sure which one to take? You may take one path, and enjoy it but even though you may begin to think about what it would be like if you had gone into another direction, you’ll never know exactly if the present decisions are what you fully were sure of. You pick a path, one you enjoy and go from there. 

There are moments when I question the confidence that leads me to believe in my true dreams. There is that insecurity of whether you will even be good enough in the eyes of the people who have never judged you. What will they say? There exists that pause that, not in a manner of the desire to please, but, merely gain approval from those who we want to believe in us as much as we do. 

There are moments when I wonder if when reality will hit, or that with never reaching those shelves at the highest point in my life, what would I do? When you feel so passionate about a dream, and begin to work towards it only to fail, you dream another dream. But you live with a void that never lives to see fulfillment. The exhaustion of maintaining a mindset that only prepares for the future and rarely the present only causes the urgency of fast forwarding life. 

There are moments when I think, why can’t I write a song? Why can’t I reach for that shelf inside containing pure truth and emotion? I think of who I look up to and their accomplishments and in all honesty, their story line contains the absence of difficulty. Everyone makes the details of their hardships stand out but, did they know? Did they know they were just meant to do what they are doing now and that was the reason for all swerving of every challenge? When can I have that capability? I’m only so young but there is that tenaciousness to pursue-

There are the expected moments when the day will act as a lucky game of chess and be in your favor. There will come the time of day when every drop of sound turns to mute and there is nothing but sight in which you admire with awe at where your feet are planted. Is it the place you want to be grounded at? There are the ones who capture your glory and YOU are the one still trying to take it in. There is that split second before you land on the couch and you free fall into what is metaphorically your  gratefulness personified by the comfort that overwhelms every part of our body as we relax and note, “I did it.”